Now just about everyone who has ever tried their hand at bird photography has used their backyard, outfitted with seed feeders, suet cakes, dripping water, and assorted other devices, to lure our little feathered friends into camera range. This is a most satisfying experience as one can sit in a comfortable chair, read photo mags, and sip cold beverages while waiting for a subject. I've found that sunflower seeds seem to work as well, if not better, than most birdie delicacies but the problem is that the seeds attract other critters as well. Namely, the bushy-tail, the tree rat, the common and cursed fox squirrel. The ability of these seed thieves to overcome the most complex of obstacles and ingenious devices us humans can invent is legendary. For proof, go to the web site called YouTube.com and do a search for "smart squirrels". There's even one there submitted by yours truly under Squirrels Outwit Humans.

Yes, I know, they make squirrel proof feeders. I have one and it works as advertised. It closes a flap over the feeding holes when anything heavier than a bird lands on it. But the birds hate it. They much prefer the tube feeder where they have a better field of view to avoid predators; one of those predators being the al-Qaida cat, my wife's big yellow tom that terrorizes the neighborhood wildlife (except squirrels). But to deny a squirrel access to a tube feeder...well, therein lays the problem my friend.

Long time readers may recall an article on this subject when previous battles were waged against this horde of rodent invaders and as you may also remember, those battles were lost, decidedly and disgracefully. A cease fire was called for, no demanded, by the Mrs. (AKA Madame General). ROE's (rules of engagement) were issued and enforced. There would be no weapons of mass destruction of any kind used on those "cute little things". This included any devise with the name Little Giant Sling Shot, Daisy, Remington, Winchester, or Glock.

"But Honey" I moaned, "I've got to do something. Those darn squirrels are eating the seeds as fast I put them out there. How am I going to get any prize winning bird photos if there's nothing for them to eat? How about if I use the live trap?"

"Well, I suppose, but won't that separate them from their friends?"

I promised I would release them all at the same spot where they could eventually join up for an old fashioned family reunion, a rodent rendezvous, and party till the sun comes up. I got a very reluctant nod.

Trapping proved to be extremely satisfying. A delicious pile of gourmet black oil seeds, displayed oh so tantalizingly in a red plastic peanut butter lid, proved to be irresistible. "WHAM" went the lid of the trap...at the rate of about once an hour. Six WHAMS and six trips to the new relocation area later, and with gas at three bucks a gallon, I began to doubt how much longer I could finance this war. I also began to worry about the homing instinct of squirrels. Was I taking them far enough? Just how easy could they find their way back? I began using some forest green spray paint to mark their little fuzzy tails so I could spot any returnees. I did not report this tactic to Madame General. Over the next few days the WHAM frequency diminished somewhat but it was obvious that the little demons had me so outnumbered that a new plan was in order.

I once again called on my lab, the leader of the Black Dog patrol. The only other member of the patrol is a mutt that likes to chase rabbits and an occasional deer, but has a yellow streak down the middle of his little black back when it comes to something that could bite. The old lab, however, dutifully patrolled the perimeter but, like me, is getting a little long in the tooth and a little slow afoot. After a few painfully dismal chases, I got the look that said, "Sarge, take me off this detail. This is embarrassing."

So it came down to a matter of wits. A little research shows that a squirrel brain is about 3 centimeters in length and weighs around 6 grams while the human brain is 14 cm and 1400 g. No contest right? Even more research was conducted observing how the little bugger burglar was bypassing the present deterrents. I sipped beverages while doing this. It took a lot of research. Here's what I had.

I added a squirrel guard, a round plastic disc about 12 inches in diameter. The squirrel slid down the wire, hung on the wire with his back feet while tilting the disc, grabbed the wire under the disc and does a flip worthy of a world class gymnast and continues to the feeder.

Quickly, using my tack sharp analytical mind (but possibly under the influence of the beverages) I deduced that if I could eliminate any grasping point, the problem would be solved. Then I remembered. The solution was right there in my garage, an inch and half diameter piece of tubing called PVC. All I had to do was cut it to the proper length, insert it between the feeder and the squirrel guard, and the seeds would be safe. Hee, hee.

In no time Mr. Squirrel reappeared and sized up the situation taking several minutes to explore the options. Cautiously, but brimming with confidence, he got to the disc, did his impersonation of Nadia Comaneci, but LOST HIS GRIP! Writhing and twisting in midair, he scrambled for any foothold but no, down he went with a resounding thump. With no apparent injury, he dashed back to the safety of the tree. The Black Dog and I laughed, shook hands, and declared that our job here was done.

But only minutes later, while searching the fridge for one just more refreshment, I happened to glance out at the feeder and AAARRRGGGHHHH! The cursed creature was shelling sunflower seeds like a combine in a wheat field. Bits and pieces showered the ground in a constant stream making a small but rapidly growing mound. Standing there, in a state of shock, I thought I could see the seed level in the tube moving steadily downward. We locked eyes. I think he smiled.

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