Since the time we have been of age to get behind a steering wheel, we have all heard "Don't Drink & Drive." Sound advice to be sure. The same wisdom also applies to watercraft. But have you ever once heard "Don't drink while taking photographs, especially in a boat"? No? Please let me explain how such an activity can be especially hazardous to your health.

To illustrate, I'll tell you a story about my friend Bill. Bill is an avid amateur wildlife photographer who also enjoys fishing. And, as was often the case on a fine summer afternoon, Bill loaded both camera and fishing gear into his small aluminum boat and set out for a quiet cove on the lake to fish and look for shorebirds to photograph, not necessarily in that order. Bill had learned that by using a boat and a trolling motor, he could get much closer to the birds than if approaching by land. He has some fine images as proof of this technique. On this particular day, Bill decided that a few brewskies, a beer or two, would be in order to combat the scorching Oklahoma sun while enjoying his favorite hobbies. Bad decision.

Ol' Bill had been in the cove for awhile, battling dehydration, with very little action from the fish or shorebirds when a movement up on the bank caught his eye. It was a hawk, a red-tail, and was obviously in some sort of distress. It appeared to have a broken wing. Like many wildlife photographers, Bill cares deeply about animals and in this case, knew that he had to do something to help the unfortunate creature.

I'm not sure Bill actually thought this through as he confessed to me later that his only plan had been, "I believe I'll just go catch that hawk." This line of thought is akin to one of our more famous, and often deadly, Oklahoma sayings, "Here, hold my beer and watch this."

The outcome was predictable. Talons flashed, feathers flew, and flesh was torn (Bill's not the bird's). A battered, bleeding, and much more sober Bill made his way back to the boat, sans red-tail, muttering something about letting the professionals handle such things. (He did call them by the way)

My own experience with cameras, boats, and booze took place with my old fishing buddy Arnold. To go fishing with Arnold is not just an outing, it's an event. Arnold is one of these guys where misadventure follows like a black cloud. When fishing with Arnold, you know that something, possibly life-threatening, will happen, you just don't know what. Running aground on sand bars, getting caught in horrific thunderstorms, tearing off props, and repairing motors on the shore of an uninhabited island, are but a few of the incidents I could describe. Arnold sometimes complains that I'm the onus. I don't know where he could have gotten that idea.

On this particular occasion, I wanted to try for some photos of black bass. You've seen them; the ones where a trophy fish leaps high in the air, vainly trying to throw the lure, water spraying everywhere. Maybe I could even sell some of them. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Once again, a questionable decision was made to load the boat with supplies of cold, liquid refreshment just in case the sun came out and thirst became a factor. Yes, it was yet another bad decision. The sun did come out, as was somewhat expected, and the fish weren't biting, also not unusual for us. The only logical thing to do in a situation like that is to fight sunstroke by whatever means available; that means would be Budweiser. We fought it...hard.

Now both Arnold and I gave up cigarettes years and years ago but there are times when special conditions call for a smoke. Sitting on a lake with the sun beating upon your head, drinking beer, and no fish activity is one of those times. Fortunately, Arnold being the good captain that he is, had a couple cigars on board for just those special moments. There was one problem. No matches. No fire. However, after rummaging through every storage space on the boat we did find an old, cheap, and rusty lighter...but it had no fluid, just made sparks. Arnold looks at me, grins, and says (I swear) "Here, hold my beer, I got an idea."

First, he breaks off a twig from an old snag sticking out of the water. More digging in the boat produces some paper, toilet paper-another essential item of the outdoorsman. Then, wrapping the toilet paper around the end of the stick, he nonchalantly, and to my growing concern, unscrews the cap on the gas tank. I'm thinking I'm about to experience another Arnold event. But he stops.

"Hmmm, better not," he says. "The paper might contaminate the gas and foul the carburetor." I breathe a huge sigh of relief. But Arnold has a new idea. "I'll just unsnap the line to the motor and sprinkle a little gas on the paper. Then we'll use the sparks from the lighter to ignite the gas to make a fire to light the cigars. That'll work!" Or as those two old guys on the beer commercial say, "Brilliant!"

With the first stoke of the lighter wheel, the sparks did exactly what they were supposed to do...WHOOSH! We had fire alright-we had fire everywhere! Particles of flaming, wind-driven, toilet paper drifted throughout the boat searching valiantly for anything highly flammable. Some searched the floor, some the camera bag, others sailed merrily into dark places unreachable by human hands. Like crazed flamenco dancers, we stomped fire from one end of the boat to the other knowing the explosion was imminent, and we were, within seconds, about to die at sea.

But as the luck of the drunk would have it, nothing blew up or suffered major damage. The boat was intact, we remained afloat, we didn't get arrested by the Lake Patrol, and somehow survived to fish and photograph another day.

Now you know and have been forewarned. There's danger on the water. Beware the deadly combination of cameras and boats...and don't go fishing with Arnold.

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